I've been writing this blog for about eight years now and right from Day One I've been getting emails, mostly from women, about moving to Egypt to pursue a relationship with someone. Many of these inquiries stem from holiday romances, some from people met at univerisity abroad, some from internet romances that someone wants to pursue. Our revolution hasn't changed the incoming traffic one bit, other than my correspondents report even more nervousness from their friends and relatives who worry that a move to Egypt will automatically end in disaster. I finally decided that it was time to put out a list of things to think about before marrying into Egypt.
I spent 25 very interesting years married to an Egyptian man whom I met in Canada while in grad school. We married and had our kids in Canada but we were visiting Egypt very regularly before we moved to Egypt. Some years while the kids were still very young, I spent a month or two staying with my in-laws while my husband would travel back and forth between Cairo, Khartoum and Toronto. When I finally moved to Egypt, I'd been visiting it since 1976 and had spent a fair bit of time exploring and learning my rudimentary Arabic. I had decided that I loved Egypt's chaos, its happy loopiness and randomness, and it was actually my idea to move here against all of my husband's objections. We had a good life, our children had a varied and rich childhood, and while there were some ups and downs, I wouldn't have missed a minute. I did NOT move here cold without having visited quite a bit, nor without knowing some Arabic (enough to do daily tasks fairly independent), and I knew (or at least thought that I did) my husband's family quite well. In other words, I probably made the transition from Canada to Egypt under the best of circumstances. I'm not sure that most other people will be so blessed. So here is my open letter:
Dear Whoever is thinking of moving to Egypt for a partner,
I really should have a sort of form letter for this because I don't know how many emails I've sent to people who are thinking of following a friend to Egypt. First, the reality of life here is not seen anywhere in the western media. Life here is nothing like what they show on the news or in magazines. It is not especially dangerous, but it is not a life for someone who is unaware of his/her surroundings. Tell all your friends and relatives that you are not moving to the moon or to the 2nd circle of hell. That said, there are some serious questions that you need to ask and answer for yourself before making any kind of permanent or even semi-permanent commitments to a life here.
1. Do you like living in Egypt? Is this a country that fits well with your lifestyle and personality?
This must be decided for you and you alone. Life is impermanent and people come and go in it. So if you think about living in Egypt, it's important to know that you would like living here with or without your partner. I suggest coming on a visit to see if you can cope with the life in Egypt, whether it is in the pollution, crowding, and excitement of Cairo or in the much slower life of the villages or smaller cities. Don't just visit the pyramids and museums. Go everywhere. Check out shopping centers and souqs. Talk to other people living here. Go grocery shopping. Try cooking. Look for a job ...if only to see if you would be happy working here.
2. Are you willing to learn Arabic?
It is possible in some places to live in Egypt without knowing Arabic, but to be honest, you will be missing out on most of the life here if you can't simply carry on a conversation with the people around you. Even a simple task like grocery shopping can be much more effective and interesting if you can ask what new foods are and how to prepare them. Getting lost is less of an issue and Surprise! many of the things that people say around you are not cause for concern. Written Arabic and spoken Arabic are almost different languages, but there are many language schools here in Egypt and abroad that will help you to learn the language.
3. Do you know what you are getting into? Relationships are complicated and more so across cultures.
If you are considering an alliance with an Egyptian partner, you need to meet his/her family. You never marry a person, no matter where you live, you always marry his/her family and their history. This is true of marriage within your culture and religion and even more true if you are moving outside of your culture or religion. Your partner's unconscious assumptions about the role of wife and mother or husband and father are determined largely by what existed within his/her family, just as yours have, and it's a very good idea to meet the role models, to say the least. As well, although it is totall unPC to say anything about social class or anything like that, if your family backgrounds are too different, the adjustment can be very difficult. With a new geography, new culture, and new language, why make things harder than necessary? The more you know, the better you are prepared.
4. Do you realise that every country has a different family law? What you are accustomed to is not necessarily what is going to be what you have to deal with here.
Learn about family law in Egypt and get a good lawyer to explain and protect your rights if you choose to marry and live within Egypt. Egyptian family law is currently closely tied to the family's religion and this must be understood and taken into account. As we are currently in the process of reworking the constitution and government (hopefully), much of this is still unclear, but most definitely the family law that you are used to wherever you live now is nothing like the family law in Egypt. Family law is the law that determines marriage, divorce and child custody. For example, a woman's rights to divorce and other things can be specified in her marriage contract...a legal document that is the basis of every Muslim marriage, while divorce is forbidden by the Coptic church. Inheritance is so complex under Islamic law, which will be applied to a Muslim family no matter what anyone might wish otherwise, that it almost is a course of study on its own.
These are the main points. You need to see for yourself. That's the main thing. Egypt is safe to visit, so you should. Think carefully and do what is best for you.
Wishing you all the best,
Maryanne
copyright 2011 Maryanne Stroud Gabbani
Showing posts with label mixed marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mixed marriage. Show all posts
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, September 02, 2010
Saudi Hypocrisy
Global Voices reported today the response from other countries in the Middle East and North Africa to their recent ban on young Moroccan women coming to the Kingdom to perform omrah, the pilgrimage that takes place during Ramadan rather than during the Great Feast a month or so later. These women, apparently, have been decided to be a threat to the sanctity of Saudi male morality as they might be prostitutes (and one must assume, of course, that the required male accompanying them would be their pimp). To say that the Moroccans are a bit miffed is a major understatement. This is a blanket indictment of Moroccan society by a group of people who are notorious for their travels throughout the region for the purpose of sexual enjoyment.
In Egypt, there are villages outside of Giza and Cairo where male Saudi tourists have made a tradition of offering young girls sizable (for the girls of course, peanuts to the Saudis) amounts of money for the "privilege" of an informal marriage to the tourist for the summer months. The girls are then left to fend for themselves, and the fortunate ones find someone who is practical enough to appreciate a girl with some money to start a life with. Not a pretty picture. Apparently, this is common enough practice in Morocco as well to cause Moroccan legislators to pass a law requiring Saudi wives to be informed of these marriages before the marriage can take place. Since the law was passed in 2007, this ban is probably not in retaliation.
The assumption that Moroccan women are looser in their morality and thus probably prostitutes is highly offensive to all Moroccans. Morocco is less strait-laced than Saudi, to be sure, but then the Saudi's are notoriously less strait-laced the second they set foot off Saudi soil as well. It seems to me to be a serious case of the pot calling the kettle black. An article in the Guardian looks at the stereotyping involved. By the same kind of logic of "loose morality", given the stereotypes of North American and European women, one would have to ask if Muslim women from these areas have special problems going on pilrimages as well...and why are Egyptian women not banned? Maybe that's the point. These pilgrimages are getting to be very crowded, so perhaps it's better to make them gender-specific and cut the crowds down?
copyright 2010 Maryanne Stroud Gabbani
In Egypt, there are villages outside of Giza and Cairo where male Saudi tourists have made a tradition of offering young girls sizable (for the girls of course, peanuts to the Saudis) amounts of money for the "privilege" of an informal marriage to the tourist for the summer months. The girls are then left to fend for themselves, and the fortunate ones find someone who is practical enough to appreciate a girl with some money to start a life with. Not a pretty picture. Apparently, this is common enough practice in Morocco as well to cause Moroccan legislators to pass a law requiring Saudi wives to be informed of these marriages before the marriage can take place. Since the law was passed in 2007, this ban is probably not in retaliation.
The assumption that Moroccan women are looser in their morality and thus probably prostitutes is highly offensive to all Moroccans. Morocco is less strait-laced than Saudi, to be sure, but then the Saudi's are notoriously less strait-laced the second they set foot off Saudi soil as well. It seems to me to be a serious case of the pot calling the kettle black. An article in the Guardian looks at the stereotyping involved. By the same kind of logic of "loose morality", given the stereotypes of North American and European women, one would have to ask if Muslim women from these areas have special problems going on pilrimages as well...and why are Egyptian women not banned? Maybe that's the point. These pilgrimages are getting to be very crowded, so perhaps it's better to make them gender-specific and cut the crowds down?
copyright 2010 Maryanne Stroud Gabbani
Monday, March 15, 2004
Multicultural Marriages
Nazli asked about the cross-cultural aspects of marriage to an Egyptian and the changes that are involved in moving to another country. In one sense, every marriage is a cross-cultural experience in that every family in the world has its own culture. No two American, Canadian, Egyptian, or Iranian families are exactly alike. Every family has its own traditions and beliefs, and every marriage involves the melding of these beliefs into yet another tradition. When you marry outside of your religious or ethnic group, this process is just amplified. Being the child of a mixed marriage myself (my mother was British while my father was American), I was somewhat aware of the process already. My educational background in the social sciences increased my awareness as well. My late husband was also the child of a similarly mixed marriage between an Egyptian mother and a Sudanese father. The differences between Sudanese and Egyptian cultures are very similar to the differences between US and British, but being closer in proximity, the marriages are more common possibly.
Starting from a perspective of already mixed cultures, my family didn't find it terribly surprising that I chose to enrich the mixture. From one point of view (one that is of importance in traditional spouse-choosing in Egypt), my husband and I were very similar. We were both the oldest of four children, we both had graduate degrees from the same university in Canada, we both had Canadian citizenship, we both spoke more than one language, our fathers were both senior civil employees who had to struggle somewhat to provide for their large families, and our mothers had lived in the culture of their husbands.
But there were differences, obviously. I was from an Anglo-Irish tradition with some ties to the Anglican church, however weak, and my husband was a Muslim Arab, however liberal. After spending a number of years in anthropology and philosophy courses, I'd become interested in Islamic culture even before I'd met my husband. A course in mystic traditions in the history of Christianity and Islam had introduced me to Sufi tradition, and the very personal mystic approach to spirituality appealed to me. Thus, although it would be a very serious faux pas for a Muslim to ask someone to change their religion and my husband never did, I found that the change from a mystic Christian aspect to a mystic Islamic aspect was very little change in fact. I made the choice myself, feeling comfortable that the relationship I already had with the Almighty (however this entity might be named in another language) was one that fit as easily within the framework of Islam as it did within whatever framework had existed previously.
When we moved to Egypt, I made the Islamic label a legal one as well, since once religion mixes with law, it becomes something rather different. Had I not done this, the custody of my children might not have been with me at my husband's death. Although it is my personal belief that one's religious beliefs are the business of the person and God, it would be foolish to ignore the possible impact of the law on a family. Because there are both Christian and Muslim traditions in Egypt, there are legal differences in inheritance and such that reflect these traditions. A family that straddles the divide is likely to fall into a hole if disaster strikes, so we chose where we wanted to stand.
I raised my children in the Islamic tradition, but, like every mother anywhere, I put my own spin on things. We followed the traditions of fasting during Ramadan and so on, but for me the important aspect of any spiritual life is not the following of certain rules of when and where one prays or what one eats or drinks, but it is the deep knowledge that one is behaving in a moral and ethical manner with the other inhabitants of this planet, whether they are human or not. I honestly believe that the basis of every religion is the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you can live by this rule on a daily basis, you are living a correct religious life whatever the label may be. Thus, the particular decisions as to how closely one wants to adhere to a tradition are personal ones that do not really touch the essence of religious life. In fact, I have met more rule-following Christians and Muslims that have no more connection with the deep demands of spirituality than house sparrows. They have on occasion lectured me on my dereliction of duty in certain regards. For example, my husband never made it to Mecca, preferring to spend his time on his businesses that were employing people and making it possible for them to raise their children and educate them properly. He took great pride in the fact that he provided people with the means to live and took that responsibility seriously. We both felt that this act was more important than a trip to Mecca.
The main challenge that I see in a cross-cultural marriage is in the raising of children to embrace the best aspects of both cultures. In our case, this involved placing them in French schools when they were young so that they would have the English/French bilingual tradition should they want to live in Canada, and then giving them daily Arabic lessons here to ensure their ability to get along in Egypt. At times they were a bit lost, as might be expected and they had to find their own identities within the mish-mash that their father and I provided. They are more Canadian than American or British and sometimes more Sudanese than Egyptian. Having attended French and American schools and an Ivy League university, they have a pretty good handle on North American culture but they each have a definite culture of their own. Most of their friends are similar cross-cultural offspring, not surprisingly. To imagine that a cross-cultural marriage will produce uni-cultural kids is rather silly, and it also denies that richness of life that I believe such mixtures engender. Cross-cultural marriages are not the easiest sort to cope with, but I believe that if you go into it with your eyes open to the difficulties and with a determination to create something new within your marriage, you will have a more interesting life than otherwise.
Starting from a perspective of already mixed cultures, my family didn't find it terribly surprising that I chose to enrich the mixture. From one point of view (one that is of importance in traditional spouse-choosing in Egypt), my husband and I were very similar. We were both the oldest of four children, we both had graduate degrees from the same university in Canada, we both had Canadian citizenship, we both spoke more than one language, our fathers were both senior civil employees who had to struggle somewhat to provide for their large families, and our mothers had lived in the culture of their husbands.
But there were differences, obviously. I was from an Anglo-Irish tradition with some ties to the Anglican church, however weak, and my husband was a Muslim Arab, however liberal. After spending a number of years in anthropology and philosophy courses, I'd become interested in Islamic culture even before I'd met my husband. A course in mystic traditions in the history of Christianity and Islam had introduced me to Sufi tradition, and the very personal mystic approach to spirituality appealed to me. Thus, although it would be a very serious faux pas for a Muslim to ask someone to change their religion and my husband never did, I found that the change from a mystic Christian aspect to a mystic Islamic aspect was very little change in fact. I made the choice myself, feeling comfortable that the relationship I already had with the Almighty (however this entity might be named in another language) was one that fit as easily within the framework of Islam as it did within whatever framework had existed previously.
When we moved to Egypt, I made the Islamic label a legal one as well, since once religion mixes with law, it becomes something rather different. Had I not done this, the custody of my children might not have been with me at my husband's death. Although it is my personal belief that one's religious beliefs are the business of the person and God, it would be foolish to ignore the possible impact of the law on a family. Because there are both Christian and Muslim traditions in Egypt, there are legal differences in inheritance and such that reflect these traditions. A family that straddles the divide is likely to fall into a hole if disaster strikes, so we chose where we wanted to stand.
I raised my children in the Islamic tradition, but, like every mother anywhere, I put my own spin on things. We followed the traditions of fasting during Ramadan and so on, but for me the important aspect of any spiritual life is not the following of certain rules of when and where one prays or what one eats or drinks, but it is the deep knowledge that one is behaving in a moral and ethical manner with the other inhabitants of this planet, whether they are human or not. I honestly believe that the basis of every religion is the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. If you can live by this rule on a daily basis, you are living a correct religious life whatever the label may be. Thus, the particular decisions as to how closely one wants to adhere to a tradition are personal ones that do not really touch the essence of religious life. In fact, I have met more rule-following Christians and Muslims that have no more connection with the deep demands of spirituality than house sparrows. They have on occasion lectured me on my dereliction of duty in certain regards. For example, my husband never made it to Mecca, preferring to spend his time on his businesses that were employing people and making it possible for them to raise their children and educate them properly. He took great pride in the fact that he provided people with the means to live and took that responsibility seriously. We both felt that this act was more important than a trip to Mecca.
The main challenge that I see in a cross-cultural marriage is in the raising of children to embrace the best aspects of both cultures. In our case, this involved placing them in French schools when they were young so that they would have the English/French bilingual tradition should they want to live in Canada, and then giving them daily Arabic lessons here to ensure their ability to get along in Egypt. At times they were a bit lost, as might be expected and they had to find their own identities within the mish-mash that their father and I provided. They are more Canadian than American or British and sometimes more Sudanese than Egyptian. Having attended French and American schools and an Ivy League university, they have a pretty good handle on North American culture but they each have a definite culture of their own. Most of their friends are similar cross-cultural offspring, not surprisingly. To imagine that a cross-cultural marriage will produce uni-cultural kids is rather silly, and it also denies that richness of life that I believe such mixtures engender. Cross-cultural marriages are not the easiest sort to cope with, but I believe that if you go into it with your eyes open to the difficulties and with a determination to create something new within your marriage, you will have a more interesting life than otherwise.
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